Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Customer is always right
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.