How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Not😆🤣
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”