Watson was Holmes schooled
You Might Also Like
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*