“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I put the h in mysterious.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”