I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
*weighs self after shaving
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.