[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Twitter is an abusement park.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.