If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
You Might Also Like
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.