[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.