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When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Is….Is this an option?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Tremendous stuff
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.