ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me doing my best
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’m confused about plants
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone