[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
#Caturday
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.