just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.