[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down