I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Choose your fighter
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap