[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I have a type: disappointing
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.