A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household