Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
(Gaming support cat.)
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.