The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
accurate
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here