When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Never forget.
BaD BoY!!
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes