boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.