I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Mmmm canned fish.
estão todos miauvindo?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham