Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago