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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
2022 will be better than 2021
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.