Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is