No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Called it
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants