From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.