Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl