*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy