Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Duck typos.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Did…did a minotaur write this
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?