Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find