First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?