I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.