Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
me when i see my girls butt
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.