it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.