Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
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Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁