That’s fair
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Mission: Impossible
This is a whole mood;
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar