If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
#parenting
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon