[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
*me flirting
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*