just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Spell check is for lasers.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.