I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
@funTweeters
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Woke up against my better judgment again
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro