Leonardo DiCaprisun
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*