I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*