*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I hate when that happens.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms