I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I am having an out of money experience.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]