Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
You Might Also Like
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
So, can we agree on 4 or
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
when u come home smelling like another dog
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?