[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Name this drama.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
War & Peace
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
multitasking lunch
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big