Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?