[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses