Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
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Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
True freaking story!
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own