My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
You Might Also Like
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?